BB 151-156
What really stuck out for me today in this partial reading of "A Vision for You" was the paragraph that stated "Old pleasures were gone." I distinctly remember in the beginning of drinking, it was fun. It was a great time of singing, dancing, laughing, and free flowing beer and shots. I was 27 before I had ever gotten drunk. I had dabbled a bit around age 13ish, having a wine cooler and some "Banana Red", but had never actually gotten drunk. I spent most of my teenage life and early 20's as a very conservative person. I did not drink. I wasn't particularly against it, I just didn't have friends in my circle that drank on a regular basis and never had a desire to hang with those who did. I had always chosen to stay away from that lifestyle out of judgemental fear. (Which I only know now since doing my 4th step. Judging people is apparently something deeply set in me )
The first time I ever went out to drink I was 27. We went with our new neighbor to a karaoke bar. Upon discovering that I had never been drunk, our new friends took it upon themselves to make sure I would enjoy the freedom and happiness of being wasted. And, boy did I. It was fun! I wasn't too shy to sing. I danced publicly for the first time ever (and I am so sure I rocked it. LOL At least, in my mind I did!) I loved the comradere of cheering on the people who couldn't sing worth a lick and the cheers I received as well. I loved to sing long before I was a drinker, but never really had an avenue to showcase my talent. Well, the good people of Madigan's were there for me, to be my first real audience and to lift me up to star status. I look back at that year of weekend firepit drinking and bi weekly karaoke as a happy time. It was just friends drinking, hanging out, and nothing bad ever happening. It was safe.
Looking back now, though, I see the beginning of my descent happening already so rapidly. Weekend drinking turned into wine a couple of times during the week. Eventually, it became nightly. I wasn't always wasted to a point of blackout, but I was already past the threshold. I was already planning each and every moment of time home with drinking and trying to talk people into visiting so we could do it together. It was convenient that my neighbors loved to drink, so even in my husband's absence, I had people to hang out with to throw a few cold ones back. I didn't see the warning signs when I was out with friends and had obviously been given a roofie in the shot some guy offered me, even after I strongly proclaimed that I wasn't interested and that I was married. That didn't slow me down. It pissed my husband off, rightfully, so I decided it was time to drink at home.
I had to move to a new state and I continued my home drinking. It was much easier, but so much more lonely. Over the next 4 years, most of my drinking was at home. Only in the last year did I venture to another's home, which was where I realized my full blown addiction.
I grasped for how things used to be. I would drink, believing that I would feel better. That my pain on the inside would go away for at least a little while. I drank to forget that I drank.
“I felt empty and sad for years, and for a long, long time, alcohol worked. I’d drink, and all the sadness would go away. Not only did the sadness go away, but I was fantastic. I was beautiful, funny, I had a great figure, and I could do math. But at some point, the booze stopped working. That’s when drinking started sucking. Every time I drank, I could feel pieces of me leaving. I continued to drink until there was nothing left. Just emptiness.” ― Dina Kucera, Everything I Never Wanted to Be
Someone asked in the meeting today, "Who did you meet when you woke up?" I never welcomed the light of day with a "thank you God." I woke up meeting the 4 horsemen staring me down and the horses breathing fire out of their flared nostrils. I met terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair every time I came to. What had I done? What had I said? Oh my GOD, where are the kids? Did I go anywhere last night? Did I wander outside in my underware to smoke? Did I burn any holes in the carpet or set fire in the kitchen? GODDD.....the things I did when drunk! The things my kids never saw or realized....I have spoken to them since being sober. We have had an honest few conversations, and they really didn't know how bad I was. They really didn't see me as someone who was always drunk or as a mother who was a little off...they have me on this pedistool.
I find it impressive that Bill, at 6 months, had his wits about him enough to go to any length to stay sober. He was all by himself, away from home, and easily could have given in. He, instead, chose to call someone.Instead of walking into that bar, he walked to a phone, a real phone, looked up a number in a real phone book ;) and called someone. I hope that with the tools I have now, I will make that decision when I am alone. I hope to forever more wake up to God, and never to those 4 horsemen again. I have to remember though, that my old friend is always waiting in the shadows, whistling for my attention ever so gently, patiently waiting to latch on again. I choose to go to any length to keep sober.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Adversity
10/4/12
Adversity..."Perceive as everyone against me"
I first of all have to remember that God's will doesn't always (ok, usually doesn't) look the way I think it should look. Adversity is usually of my own making. On page 133, it says that we have made our own misery. In looking back, how true that is. The "adversities" I was facing were made in my head and not real, or they were very much real and a direct result of something I had done. There is really, truly, only one issue in my life that was 100% not my fault. It was NOT my fault that I was sexually assulted. I didn't do anything to bring that on. However, every other hill I had to climb over, or am hiking up now, are directly resulted from my thoughts or actions. And usually, if not all, alcohol related, be it alcoholic thinking or alcohol induced behaviors.
I have learned so far that if I want something bad enough, I will listen to the solutions and experiences around me. When you really, truly, want to lose weight, you do everything in your power to eat right, exercise, etc...When you really, truly, want to pass a class, you study. When you really, truly want a relationship, you work your ass off to do your part to be successful. In sobriety, you listen, read, meditate, pray, seek councel, and make choices that do not put you in a situation that may help you pick up that first drink.
If I do what I can RIGHT NOW, by working my program and keeping a close conscious contact with God, I will have the tools to take on the big things, but also to keep those little things in check so they don't build up and explode all over everyone in my life.
I heard an analogy today that stuck with me. When I came into the rooms, I had a dirty old toolbox. The people around me helped me to clean it up, knock the dents out, paint it, and fixed the handle. Then they gave me the tools to fill it up. As I get these tools, my box will overflow. I will never have an empty box again. My job is to use those tools and to give them away to everyone I can. My toolbox will always be overflowing with tools to share and use.
Hard times suck. Yea, we get that. My life is never going to be perfect. I will never be spiritually enlightened to the point where I will never be able to learn anything new. I will not perfectly adhere to my principles. But I can always progress. "We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection" ...Sobriety is a journey. I don't believe it's a destination. I don't believe that one day I will sit in a chair sipping tea, smile, and claim "I have arrived to perfection". But you know, I don't think I really want to. There is such a difference between ABSTAINING and SOBRIETY. I don't want to white-knuckle it through life. I want to love my days and enjoy my sobriety. I want to learn, to love learning, and to love teaching. I'm tired to making my own misery. I'm sick of babying my selfish thinking and feeding it until it grows unto an emotional, hormonal teenager that spews venom and disgust on people.
Each moment is a gift. Each moment counts. I didn't know it before, but now that I realize that I have no memory, basically, of so many years of my life, I see that moments DO count. I wish I could remember big things like the first days of school. I wish I could remember little things like watching movies with my kids and their reactions to something funny or sad...but I don't have those moments because I robbed myself of them by being drunk.
My goal is to trump through adversity, self or world created, and take each moment at a time. To think through the situations, the issues, and to respond accordingly. I look forward to knowing how to respond to situations that once had me baffled. It's going to happen. I believe in sobriety.
Adversity..."Perceive as everyone against me"
I first of all have to remember that God's will doesn't always (ok, usually doesn't) look the way I think it should look. Adversity is usually of my own making. On page 133, it says that we have made our own misery. In looking back, how true that is. The "adversities" I was facing were made in my head and not real, or they were very much real and a direct result of something I had done. There is really, truly, only one issue in my life that was 100% not my fault. It was NOT my fault that I was sexually assulted. I didn't do anything to bring that on. However, every other hill I had to climb over, or am hiking up now, are directly resulted from my thoughts or actions. And usually, if not all, alcohol related, be it alcoholic thinking or alcohol induced behaviors.
I have learned so far that if I want something bad enough, I will listen to the solutions and experiences around me. When you really, truly, want to lose weight, you do everything in your power to eat right, exercise, etc...When you really, truly, want to pass a class, you study. When you really, truly want a relationship, you work your ass off to do your part to be successful. In sobriety, you listen, read, meditate, pray, seek councel, and make choices that do not put you in a situation that may help you pick up that first drink.
If I do what I can RIGHT NOW, by working my program and keeping a close conscious contact with God, I will have the tools to take on the big things, but also to keep those little things in check so they don't build up and explode all over everyone in my life.
I heard an analogy today that stuck with me. When I came into the rooms, I had a dirty old toolbox. The people around me helped me to clean it up, knock the dents out, paint it, and fixed the handle. Then they gave me the tools to fill it up. As I get these tools, my box will overflow. I will never have an empty box again. My job is to use those tools and to give them away to everyone I can. My toolbox will always be overflowing with tools to share and use.
Hard times suck. Yea, we get that. My life is never going to be perfect. I will never be spiritually enlightened to the point where I will never be able to learn anything new. I will not perfectly adhere to my principles. But I can always progress. "We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection" ...Sobriety is a journey. I don't believe it's a destination. I don't believe that one day I will sit in a chair sipping tea, smile, and claim "I have arrived to perfection". But you know, I don't think I really want to. There is such a difference between ABSTAINING and SOBRIETY. I don't want to white-knuckle it through life. I want to love my days and enjoy my sobriety. I want to learn, to love learning, and to love teaching. I'm tired to making my own misery. I'm sick of babying my selfish thinking and feeding it until it grows unto an emotional, hormonal teenager that spews venom and disgust on people.
Each moment is a gift. Each moment counts. I didn't know it before, but now that I realize that I have no memory, basically, of so many years of my life, I see that moments DO count. I wish I could remember big things like the first days of school. I wish I could remember little things like watching movies with my kids and their reactions to something funny or sad...but I don't have those moments because I robbed myself of them by being drunk.
My goal is to trump through adversity, self or world created, and take each moment at a time. To think through the situations, the issues, and to respond accordingly. I look forward to knowing how to respond to situations that once had me baffled. It's going to happen. I believe in sobriety.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Gratitude
_____
Written 9/25/12
Gratitude
"Gateway to Serenity"
It doesn't always happen the way we want it to, but we get what we need.
I am grateful the circumstances happened as they did. I can feel God now. I can see Him working in me and around me. I couldn't see past my next drink and was sooo cold inside. I missed the beauty of the forest because of the ugliness of some of the trees.
Choices I made when drunk were opposite of what I would have chosen to do when sober. I don't have to fight that anymore. I can finally just be me. I don't have to apologise for not being "fun"- I can make clear, thought-out decisions on actions and words.
I truly believed I would die drunk I was going to do "what I do until I die". I couldn't comprehend a life without drinking. I still have a hard time being in groupsand knowing how to hang out and be :fun" without it.
Today, I am grateful that God is managing my life. I swore I would never work for D. again. God, keeping my mind open to his beautiful plan-things change. Not always the way I want it to. My life is no longer unmanageable. God finally has control.
_____________________
So, realistically, no, I don't wake up with a smile on my face. I wake up around 6, pissed that I don't get to sleep longer (generally because I am a night owl and stay up way too late!) However, I am thankful that I get to live another day. Another day, hopefully, sober. On 9/18/12, I wrote "If I don't do the steps required for sobriety, I wouldn't have a reason to be grateful. I can't rest on my laurels"
How true that is! If I didn't proceed to be rigorously honest and follow the steps suggested, I would still be in that dark, deep hole I had dug for myself. (If I were even still alive) I would still be sitting in my bedroom, separated from my husband, ignoring the needs of my kids, ashamed of my behavior, and hiding from people who knew me. I would still be planning my daily alcohol buying schedules for the week, making sure not to go to the same place twice, paying with cash, and burning the reciepts. Hiding the bottles was much easier once he moved away. I only had to see him occasionally and I could get rid of them by then. I would still be seething with anger, judging everyone for everything, and justifying my behaviors. I would still wake up, feeling like ass, dragging through until the moment when I could take a drink and feel better. Oh, I hated the days I had to work. That meant it would be harder to fight with myself to not take that morning drink. Things were easier on days I didn't work. I could just keep on going. And, god forbid I have to go in the middle of the day to the school because of one of the kids. I would just pray that they would be fine. Or that someone in my family could go get them because I "was sick" or "couldn't find my keys" Unfortunately, sometimes, that didn't work out. And, as usual, I made horrible choices.
I didn't realize how bad it really was until I started getting better. I had deluded my self so much that I really believed it wasn't that bad.
I am so grateful for God's protection. I am grateful that he saved my kids from me. I am grateful for life.
Written 9/25/12
Gratitude
"Gateway to Serenity"
It doesn't always happen the way we want it to, but we get what we need.
I am grateful the circumstances happened as they did. I can feel God now. I can see Him working in me and around me. I couldn't see past my next drink and was sooo cold inside. I missed the beauty of the forest because of the ugliness of some of the trees.
Choices I made when drunk were opposite of what I would have chosen to do when sober. I don't have to fight that anymore. I can finally just be me. I don't have to apologise for not being "fun"- I can make clear, thought-out decisions on actions and words.
I truly believed I would die drunk I was going to do "what I do until I die". I couldn't comprehend a life without drinking. I still have a hard time being in groupsand knowing how to hang out and be :fun" without it.
Today, I am grateful that God is managing my life. I swore I would never work for D. again. God, keeping my mind open to his beautiful plan-things change. Not always the way I want it to. My life is no longer unmanageable. God finally has control.
_____________________
So, realistically, no, I don't wake up with a smile on my face. I wake up around 6, pissed that I don't get to sleep longer (generally because I am a night owl and stay up way too late!) However, I am thankful that I get to live another day. Another day, hopefully, sober. On 9/18/12, I wrote "If I don't do the steps required for sobriety, I wouldn't have a reason to be grateful. I can't rest on my laurels"
How true that is! If I didn't proceed to be rigorously honest and follow the steps suggested, I would still be in that dark, deep hole I had dug for myself. (If I were even still alive) I would still be sitting in my bedroom, separated from my husband, ignoring the needs of my kids, ashamed of my behavior, and hiding from people who knew me. I would still be planning my daily alcohol buying schedules for the week, making sure not to go to the same place twice, paying with cash, and burning the reciepts. Hiding the bottles was much easier once he moved away. I only had to see him occasionally and I could get rid of them by then. I would still be seething with anger, judging everyone for everything, and justifying my behaviors. I would still wake up, feeling like ass, dragging through until the moment when I could take a drink and feel better. Oh, I hated the days I had to work. That meant it would be harder to fight with myself to not take that morning drink. Things were easier on days I didn't work. I could just keep on going. And, god forbid I have to go in the middle of the day to the school because of one of the kids. I would just pray that they would be fine. Or that someone in my family could go get them because I "was sick" or "couldn't find my keys" Unfortunately, sometimes, that didn't work out. And, as usual, I made horrible choices.
I didn't realize how bad it really was until I started getting better. I had deluded my self so much that I really believed it wasn't that bad.
I am so grateful for God's protection. I am grateful that he saved my kids from me. I am grateful for life.
Surrender
__________
Written on 8/14/12
Surrender
Tethered by self seeking fear
-fear of loss
Step 3 is willingness. You can't surrender if you are not willing.
P. 68BB Just to the extent that we do as we would think He would have us, and huimbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
P 68- Outgrow fear. Ask him to remove our fear and to lead us in His will
Serenity=Surrender
8/18/12
Accepting and admiting are two different things. I had already surrendered the wrong way. I can't will myself through this. Surrender is a daily affair. Apathy is not surrender.
I have a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition.
_________________________________
Surrender? That was sooo difficult to wrap my head around. After all, wasn't I a strong woman? No man, woman, child, or diety was going to tell me how to live my life. I couldn't surrender anymore. I couldn't surrender my body to anyone, my choices, my decisions, my faith...I was much too strong for that! I had decided not to love anymore. I had decided that everyone hated me as much as I really did hate myself. We grow up today, refusing to submit and surrender. Why would I want to admit alcoholism, submit to God, and surrender my will and my life over to Him? What good had He done in allowing me to BE alcoholic?
Page 133 says that we are the makers of our own misery. How true that is. I chose the life I was living. I am blessed that God's hand was on me and kept me safe. As safe as could be, anyway.
I had a very hard time with surrender. Until I realized I already HAD surrendered. The last night I drank, I begged God to let me die and not let the kids find me. I stared at my glass, talked to it, fought with God, yelled to myself. I cried out in pain, desparation. I remember, very drunkly, crying out the words, "I guess this is it. I am going to die like this. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it"
And I really believed that.
I had surrendered to death. I had given up. I had two beautiful young sons in the other room sleeping, and I was willing to let them go. To die to get out of my head. I had long since damaged my marriage by begging my husband to just leave. That I didn't want to be with him anymore. Really, I just wanted to be left alone to drink. He was quite a hamper on my chances to do that.
If God had done MY will that night, I would not have woken up the next morning. My handsome, funny, full of life boys would have no mother, and would never have understood what happened. But I did wake up, and I was just finished. I collected all I could and threw it out. I called someone that day to find a support group in my area.
In my entire life, I have never been so low as to want to die. I really meant it, too. I truly didn't see a way out of the hell I had dug myself into.
So, surrender. It's not so hard. You can surrender to death. Or, you can surrender to life. Those are the choices. Very simple in that light.
Written on 8/14/12
Surrender
Tethered by self seeking fear
-fear of loss
Step 3 is willingness. You can't surrender if you are not willing.
P. 68BB Just to the extent that we do as we would think He would have us, and huimbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity.
P 68- Outgrow fear. Ask him to remove our fear and to lead us in His will
Serenity=Surrender
8/18/12
Accepting and admiting are two different things. I had already surrendered the wrong way. I can't will myself through this. Surrender is a daily affair. Apathy is not surrender.
I have a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition.
_________________________________
Surrender? That was sooo difficult to wrap my head around. After all, wasn't I a strong woman? No man, woman, child, or diety was going to tell me how to live my life. I couldn't surrender anymore. I couldn't surrender my body to anyone, my choices, my decisions, my faith...I was much too strong for that! I had decided not to love anymore. I had decided that everyone hated me as much as I really did hate myself. We grow up today, refusing to submit and surrender. Why would I want to admit alcoholism, submit to God, and surrender my will and my life over to Him? What good had He done in allowing me to BE alcoholic?
Page 133 says that we are the makers of our own misery. How true that is. I chose the life I was living. I am blessed that God's hand was on me and kept me safe. As safe as could be, anyway.
I had a very hard time with surrender. Until I realized I already HAD surrendered. The last night I drank, I begged God to let me die and not let the kids find me. I stared at my glass, talked to it, fought with God, yelled to myself. I cried out in pain, desparation. I remember, very drunkly, crying out the words, "I guess this is it. I am going to die like this. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it"
And I really believed that.
I had surrendered to death. I had given up. I had two beautiful young sons in the other room sleeping, and I was willing to let them go. To die to get out of my head. I had long since damaged my marriage by begging my husband to just leave. That I didn't want to be with him anymore. Really, I just wanted to be left alone to drink. He was quite a hamper on my chances to do that.
If God had done MY will that night, I would not have woken up the next morning. My handsome, funny, full of life boys would have no mother, and would never have understood what happened. But I did wake up, and I was just finished. I collected all I could and threw it out. I called someone that day to find a support group in my area.
In my entire life, I have never been so low as to want to die. I really meant it, too. I truly didn't see a way out of the hell I had dug myself into.
So, surrender. It's not so hard. You can surrender to death. Or, you can surrender to life. Those are the choices. Very simple in that light.
Recover
------------------
Written on 9/20/12
Recovery
"Trudge the road of happy destiny"
"The only thing you have to change is everything"
I am not promised that everything is going to be perfect and easy. I am going to "trudge" the road. However, it is worth it. I will receive "Freedom and a new happiness". I have already begun to experience the promises becoming true for me and I am so grateful.
Recover means "To Regain" and "To bring back to a normal condition"...I don't know what all I can regain, as I have never been whole. And 'normal'? Normal is in the eye of the beholder. What is normal?
--------------------------------
My guess that if I can go to sleep at night, knowing I did the best I could in all my connections and behaviors, and wake up with gratefulness, then that is normal. Keeping my home in order, showing up for work and doing the job to the best of my ability, being present for my family, and most of all my relationship with my Higher Power, all seem to be in the rhelm of "normal" to me.
Written on 9/20/12
Recovery
"Trudge the road of happy destiny"
"The only thing you have to change is everything"
I am not promised that everything is going to be perfect and easy. I am going to "trudge" the road. However, it is worth it. I will receive "Freedom and a new happiness". I have already begun to experience the promises becoming true for me and I am so grateful.
Recover means "To Regain" and "To bring back to a normal condition"...I don't know what all I can regain, as I have never been whole. And 'normal'? Normal is in the eye of the beholder. What is normal?
--------------------------------
My guess that if I can go to sleep at night, knowing I did the best I could in all my connections and behaviors, and wake up with gratefulness, then that is normal. Keeping my home in order, showing up for work and doing the job to the best of my ability, being present for my family, and most of all my relationship with my Higher Power, all seem to be in the rhelm of "normal" to me.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Notes on S11
There is direct linkage between self examination, meditation, and prayer. Nothing can grow much in the dark. Meditation is our step into the sun.
In meditation, debate has no place. It helps to envision our spiritual objective before we try to move toward it. Page 85 in BB is instrumental in this.
Early meditation is freeing my noise by listening to others. We can find answers to problems through their voices.
It's good that it is step 11 because by that time, I have cleaned up my side of the street.
One of meditation's first fruits is emotional balance. Who wouldn't want that?
9/26 -
It is so easy to insert my will into the guidance I seek from God. Am I truly seeking God's will? How many times do we hear "I don't believe in God because what has He ever done for me?" There's something to be said about getting what I want; only to find out once I get it that it SUCKS. If "God did for me", then I wouldn't have woken up on June 19, 2012.
Just saying "Thy will, not mine" begins to open up a channel choked up with anger, fear, and frustration.
Be open to hearing today. Two things about praying:
1.Start
2.Don' Stop
Ask God to take away all I think I know...relieve the choked up areas in learning
In the morning, think of the hours ahead and PAUSE.
BB 86-88
"It works, it really does"
On awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead.
Ask God to direct my thinking from
-Self Pity
-Dishonesty
-Self Seeking Motives
We think on a higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
The intent of Step 11 is "it is better to comfort than to be comforted, to understand rather than to be understood, to love rather than to be loved. "
One of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us.
In meditation, debate has no place. It helps to envision our spiritual objective before we try to move toward it. Page 85 in BB is instrumental in this.
Early meditation is freeing my noise by listening to others. We can find answers to problems through their voices.
It's good that it is step 11 because by that time, I have cleaned up my side of the street.
One of meditation's first fruits is emotional balance. Who wouldn't want that?
9/26 -
It is so easy to insert my will into the guidance I seek from God. Am I truly seeking God's will? How many times do we hear "I don't believe in God because what has He ever done for me?" There's something to be said about getting what I want; only to find out once I get it that it SUCKS. If "God did for me", then I wouldn't have woken up on June 19, 2012.
Just saying "Thy will, not mine" begins to open up a channel choked up with anger, fear, and frustration.
Be open to hearing today. Two things about praying:
1.Start
2.Don' Stop
Ask God to take away all I think I know...relieve the choked up areas in learning
In the morning, think of the hours ahead and PAUSE.
BB 86-88
"It works, it really does"
On awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead.
Ask God to direct my thinking from
-Self Pity
-Dishonesty
-Self Seeking Motives
We think on a higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
The intent of Step 11 is "it is better to comfort than to be comforted, to understand rather than to be understood, to love rather than to be loved. "
One of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us.
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